From Dark To Light
Wow it really has been one of those weeks, well actually one of those months. I’ve been wanting to write something for a while now but I’ve been feeling totally blocked. Since I created my new project Celestial Spirit Healing which is more in line with what I’m offering and how I currently feel surely things ‘should’ flow but no!!!
I’ve been stuck in ‘should’ mode and stuck comparing my self to others. What ‘should’ i post about? Is it as interesting as what I read on the pages that I follow? Who am I to share my thoughts and wisdom? My mind has been in overdrive planting seeds of self doubt, shaking me to the core, making me question absolutely everything in my life and sending me in to a dark downward spiral. Not only was I blocked with my on line work I have also been full of self doubt about my healing sessions, too scared fully embrace what I’m capable of in case people think I’m faking it or that its too ‘out there’.
I’ve felt uncertain with my life choice to move away from England, a few sad things happened and i wasn’t able to be there for my loved ones as i would have liked. I’ve felt alone as I’ve now been single pretty much since the break down of my marriage over 3 and a half years ago and my best friends are dotted all across the world. I’ve felt confused about my future and where to live after the season in Ibiza ends.
Poor me right? I bet your thinking how can I sit here in paradise moaning about my life and that thought has been going round my head too. What this has allowed me to do thought is to re assess every part of my life, to take a step back and go deep inside. Whilst sitting in the dark with fear and confusion as my friends I started to allow time for each irrational thought. Rather than push it away and distracting my self I felt in to it. I worked out if it was a thought from my monkey mind, trying to play tricks on me or if it was an emotion with a deeper root.
The deeper emotions I followed back to different parts of my life where the wound was created. To my 8 year old self, I gave her so much love to replace the abandonment she felt when my mum first got sick. To my awkward teenage self, feeling left out, lonely and like I didn’t fit in, I replaced that memory with overflowing joy, connection and love.
Even with the confusion and darkness I was able to observe my self going through this process, I trusted that these feelings were going to pass, I trusted that the roller-coaster would soon be taking me back up to the light and at the end of each day as I was starting to fall asleep I would think about everything I was grateful for. Gradually, I started to feel more light, I started my daily practices again, I started to be vulnerable and share with my friends how I was feeling and I started to feel more centred.
For the last 5 days I am fully back to my light, cosmic, happy self but I feel different. I have more clarity, I have a deeper understanding of my self, why I do what I do and I am so full of gratitude for my gypsy life, full of ups and downs. I’ve said FUCK IT to the silly voices in my head, I’m going to fully embrace my ‘out there’ gifts, I’m going to be vulnerable and show all of my true authentic self and I’m going to post what ever I want whenever something wants to flow from my heart. I’m going to live in a vibration of unconditional love, fully accepting all parts of my self and fully accepting everyone I meet exactly the way there are in that moment. When the next wave of darkness come I’m ready to embrace the lessons and clarity.
I was inspired to write this after a beautiful women’s circle I co hosted yesterday, as we sat in nature I listened to the other 8 goddesses sharing their most vulnerable stories, feeling so deeply connected to what they were saying, part of their story was also part of my story. We were all talking about such similar issues, worries and doubts. Things so often we never share with others through fear of being judged or seen as a drama queen.
But you know what………Its ok to feel every emotion – this is the gift of being human. Its ok to feel lonely – this is your chance to make friends with your inner self, then to become vulnerable and reach out for support. Its ok to doubt your self – this is when you find your inner strength. Its ok to embrace the light and the dark – this is called balance. Its ok to say FUCK IT and do something everyone else thinks is crazy – this is called life.